Davita’s Testimony

I was raised in a Bible-based home, and taught exactly what God expects from my life–utter devotion & a relationship. That said, I wanted no part of those “Christian” morals. I wanted to live my life my way, and I did until I discovered I was pregnant.

Bewildered, I realized that somewhere along the line I had really slipped up in my search for love. The burden on my heart was unbearable. The weight of uncertainty kept me from taking deep breaths & keeping my food down. It was that 3 AM panic attack, screaming at the top of my lungs, the fearful girl inside me trying to fight her way out, but there was no escaping. My spirit wanted to leave my body.

Mental anguish set in, and a long string of doubts followed. What would happen to me? How could I ever get through this? Why did God let this happen? Everything in my whole life had been leading up to this moment, and all I wanted to do was stop time. The thought that kept coming into my head was that the little life inside me was innocent. I remembered long talks with my mom about how babies have souls. I remember wishing my heart would stop.

But I didn’t lose my soul or leave my body. In fact I suddenly felt so aware of something going on inside me I realized I had to take action. Hurt, scared and broken, I reached out to Solutions. The calm, sweet reassurance of the staff helped quiet my racing mind, but nothing could have prepared me for that first sonogram.

When I saw that little blurry pulsing image, I knew I was looking right at the handiwork of God.

And once you face God, you can’t un-see Him. My son Jayden was born in January. He remains the most unexpected, wonderful gift I didn’t deserve. His life is an example of how much God wanted to save mine. I was worthwhile enough to become someone’s mother. This is something I have never taken lightly.

Now fast forward about two years later. Life has been challenging for Jayden and me. Supporting ourselves in the expensive state of New Jersey has been far from easy. Earning back my family’s trust was even harder. The emotional scars were fresh. I had begun to realize there would always be a missing piece to our story. Raising a little boy without a father is a heartache that never goes away. Every day I realized it more and more. Panic would set in. Now I had two lives to worry about, mine and my sweet Jayden’s. I often felt very inadequate as a mother. As much as I loved my son, I felt like I had already set him up for failure by not being able to provide a firm family foundation for him. I had started to lean on whatever I thought would give me temporary peace of mind. A new job earning more money. A live-in boyfriend who could read stories and “play daddy” from time to time. A band aid over the big wound. A drug or drink to make me feel anything but what I was really feeling. I lived in fear every single day. That kind of hopelessness is what landed me in my second “crisis” pregnancy.

When I saw the tests results this time, I was all alone in my apartment except for Jayden, he was toddling in and out of the bathroom, whining for some juice. There was no time for feeling. I stared at the test for about a minute, then tossed it out. Someone was knocking on the door, it was the landlord, shoving eviction papers into the mailbox for the third time. At least now I knew the reason behind my strange sickness and extreme fatigue that kept me in my bed all day and out of work at night. I had no choice but to keep going. Jayden needed his diaper changed. He needed a hug. He desperately needed his mommy to stop crying and come play trains with him.

Time was running out. I was losing the little home that I had spent so much time and effort putting together for us. “I can’t have this baby!” I screamed at my mother as she pleaded for me not to abort. I told her about my appointment down in Toms River that was already made, and coldly informed her that with Dad’s insurance, the procedure would only cost me about $5. She begged me to at least speak with someone from an adoption agency first, before I made my decision. I agreed because I just wanted someone else to make the choice for me, but the representative from Bethany Christian Services informed me that this was a decision that “only I had the power to make.”

The day of our eviction, I woke up early and took one last look at our apartment. It was eerie having to leave most of our furniture including my bed and Jayden’s empty crib. I had no idea where we were going. I had an appointment that morning at Solutions to talk to Pam Larson about my situation and what I was going to do next. I knew there was no way I could provide a new home for us. I had been struggling to support my lifestyle up to this point by working in a nightclub. Pam reasoned with me as a true friend in the most common sense way and helped me realize what I already knew — I could not go through with the abortion. Even though I had the appointment made, a friend to drive me, babysitting for Jayden, and the expense covered by insurance, I just didn’t have the heart to do it. Instead I chose to throw myself at the staff of Solutions. My life was about surviving each day. I lived hour to hour, keeping down what little food I could eat, sleeping as much as I could and forcing myself to accept whatever help was offered me.

What I didn’t know at the time, was that my mom had reached out to one of her dearest friends, Maggie, who was also my godmother. Maggie and Dave, among others, were earnestly praying against me terminating the pregnancy. Another thing that only God knew, was that Maggie and Dave, had always wanted to adopt a child. God must have been smiling as His plans were unfolding. Having taken the abortion option off the table, I began to seriously consider placing my baby for adoption. I knew that I could not raise another child as a single mother. It was as simple as that. There was one thing I was sure of — I wanted this new baby to be raised in a home, with a mother AND a father. With Pam’s help once again, I began to explore my options as far as agencies and living arrangements.

Time does not permit me to go into details as to how I spent the rest of the pregnancy, but I can tell you that God worked out all the details, and took care of all of us, through multiple addresses, two car accidents, and a dysfunctional & vindictive relationship with the baby’s biological dad. I will skip ahead to September of last year, surrounded by my mom, Maggie, Dr. Lambert-Woolley, and many praying folks outside the delivery room, my baby boy made his grand entrance into the world. I would like to be able to tell you that I had no regrets or tears about my decision. Giving my baby to the Harrs, as loving and compassionate and gracious as ever a couple could be, was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. I wish I could tell you that that last night I spent holding him was a peaceful one; but in fact, it was the darkest night of my life. Every passing moment was felt intensely. I will never forget how he smelled so fresh and new, his cute little sounds; his soft skin. Hearing his hungry cries knowing that it was no longer my responsibly to nourish him. The entire night was spent saying goodbye. I dreaded each oncoming second knowing it was time taking my baby away. I had fallen into that unknown and it felt like death. Dr. Lambert-Woolley stepped out of her role as my doctor into that of an appointed messenger from the Lord. Vigilantly she prayed over me, asking God to deliver me out of the valley of the shadow of death. She spoke to me with words of hope, healing, and encouragement. “There will be love. Laughter.Happiness again. The Lord has brought you this far, He will not abandon you now.” I will never forget how I distinctly heard Jesus voice through hers, gently lifting me out of that dark place.

In closing, if I could tell other women in my situation anything, I would say, “You are not a bad mother if you choose to make an adoption plan to secure your child’s future.”

To friends and family of those women facing the most difficult choice of their lives, I would say: “Please don’t judge us, but please provide support, because we cannot choose life without your help.”

To the staff and board members of Solutions, I can never thank you enough for your support and encouragement through the defining moments of my life.

It has made all the difference.

Thank you for reading my story.

The support you give to Solutions on behalf of the unborn will not be in vain.

I have learned a great deal since attending my first Solutions banquet four years ago. While my future with Jayden is still unclear, I will never regret my choice to choose life. God bless you all.

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